The Next Chapter

So if I thought I was sidetracked before, that was nothing to life post adoption.  I just wanted to give an update.  Hopefully I will start posting on my blog again.  I love traveling with my kids, and I hope to update more soon.  I am starting to feel more like myself again. Since my last blog we have been more places and seen more things. But first I want to continue the Next Chapter, what happened after we adopted our daughter.

Adoption is done with love.  Adoption is usually a selfless act on the part of the parents.  We bond with a child who we want to be our own.  We use our limited resources and often surpass those to make this happen.  We feel similar feelings as when you are having a child biologically.  We hope, we cry, we pray.  We do all we possibly can do to make this child a part of our family.

What we fail at is realizing, especially with an older child, these children have their own freedom of choice.  Sometimes the bond we feel is so strong, we just assume the child has felt it too.  This is not always the case.  Sometimes it happens.  Sometimes these children are an answer to a questions we never even asked.  Sometimes, as parents we are answering a prayer of a child, who then when they realize what a family is, they realize they did not know what they were praying for.  As parents we often take classes on what it means to adopt a child.  We research RAD, we research PTSD, we research Institutional Autism, we RESEARCH EVERYTHING!  In the meantime our children are just going along trying to survive life.  No one tells them what a family is really like.  Some are told that we are buying them to sell into slavery, to harvest their organs, or to make them our personal slaves.  And adopting is often equated to buying in their minds.  We see it as making legal something we feel.  They see it as spending a LOT of money to make them our child by law.  This scenario is very common.  They are terrified of us.  They want their freedom.  They do not feel the bond as we do.  They often do not feel anything.  

There is another destructive thing these children are told.  They are often told that Americans have everything.  They will be given whatever they want.  Ipads, cellphones, cars, money, jobs, diplomas, or whatever they desire.  The mention of earning these things is foreign.  They either think they will be given these things or denied these things.  The part where they have to earn these things is never taught them.  And when they go into a family and realize there is something they are supposed to do, to contribute, to be a part of something, it freaks them out.  They have not been taught how.  They have lived a life where this is how it is for them, they are either denied or given things.  And when they have everything they have ever wanted, a family, and realize it involves work on their part it is scary.  They are not sure if they want to invest in this life.  Is it worth it?  They have been let down their entire lives by trying to do or be anything.  They have often tried to assimilate into a person who is who the people they are with want them to be.  They do not even know who they are anymore.  And we say we will love them no matter who or what they are.  So they go through these different identities they have created for themselves.  The bad child, the good child, the smart child, the strong child, the weak child.  They often crack under the pressure.  They don't know how to be anymore.  They don't know how to earn their way in the world.  They would probably do better with a step by step guide, but even that would seem like it was written in a foreign language.  Love is foreign to them.  Family is foreign.  Being able to live the "American dream" is foreign to them.  And all the learning and research we do, as parents, can not change this.  

All children have a period of adjustment.  Some kids learn to be in a family and adapt. I would say it takes about 2 years for any child to accomplish what it means to be in your family.  Some children will never learn.  They will fight it as hard as they can, because they do not trust.  They can not trust.  They never learned love.  And trying to help them is like telling them they have been wrong about everything they have ever experienced their entire lives.  

So understanding this helps when things go difficultly, but it does not make it any easier.  Adopting an older child is often like a marriage.  Both parties have to agree to the arrangement.  And there is things for both parties that make it impossible to live together.  Sometimes separation is the only way to continue safely for everyone.

I will let you, the reader, assume what kind of adoption we have experienced.  

I will highlight the good points.  Our daughter is beautiful, smart, and strong.  She has learned English very well, she is pretty fluent.  She just graduated high school.  When she got here she was a year behind her age level, but she did 2 years of high school in one year this last year and graduated with her age group.  She is in Job Corps and will graduate later this year in Culinary Arts.  She will be 18 later this summer and I have full confidence in her becoming independent and being able to support herself.  We love her and love seeing her achieve all that she sets her mind on.  

The hard points, we know some police officers because of how often they visited our house.  We have seen, fired, been fired by a LOT of therapists.  We know the staff at our local schools more then we ever thought we would.  We know the ins and outs of 504s and IEPs, we know how hard it is to fight for these things.  We know how awful it is to try to get your insurance to pay for mental health, only to find out that it is not covered AT ALL, and not only that, it has a stigma attached to it.  We know about and have tried just about every kind of therapy with mixed results.  We know what a safety plan is and how to enforce it.  I know what it is like to have panic attacks daily, what it is like to break out in hives from stress.  I know why children over 13 are special needs.  I know.

In saying all of this, that is why I have named this blog post, the next chapter.  It is not the final chapter.  It is just one chapter.  It is a chapter of our lives that I may want to talk about or not want to talk about.  It is not the end.  It is a chapter that one day I hope to close and open the next.  We are still family, we still have hope, we still are here.  It has been hard, but we have learned more about ourselves.  We are all healing. In the end we have chosen each other.

 

Foreign Adoption --Ukraine

I have been a bit sidetracked from my blog, because we have been absorbed with adopting a child from the Ukraine.  Last summer my sister participated in a hosting program of orphans from a Ukrainian orphanage.  The program lasted 3 weeks, there was 25 orphans who came from the Ukraine to spend their summer here in the U.S.A.  Families opened their homes and tried to give the children a different perspective to life, rather than what they find in an orphanage in the Ukraine.

We did not find out about the program until after my sister was picking up her child to host her.  We were in the middle of summer, my children were very busy with summer programs, plays, swimming, and we had a family vacation planned to Southern Utah.  I wished my sister the best, and we headed out of town.

When we got back into town, my sister invited our family to a picnic to say goodbye to the orphans, they were leaving to go back to the Ukraine the next day.  My sister had decided to adopt the girl they had hosted, and I really wanted to meet her, so we went to the picnic.  While we were there I saw a little blond girl and I had this quick thought, "that could be my daughter."  I started learning about orphans and orphanages in the Ukraine, and I cried for 3 days.  I found statistics of what happens to children who "graduate" from Ukraine orphanages, and I cried, I looked at orphanages, and how many kids were in them, and I cried, I found stories of people who adopted from the Ukraine, and I cried.  I felt like my daughter was one of those orphans and I just couldn't feel the same as I had before.

I think my husband thought I was either going through a midlife crisis, or that I was having a nervous breakdown, he saw me reading things on the computer and crying and I would have him read things and I would cry.  I had not yet told him that I felt this little blond girl was ours, but I was trying to touch his heart to open the possibility of helping her somehow.  Finally he asked me what was going on.  I told him about this little girl, and he told me he was so focused on the orphan my sister was adopting, he didn't really pay attention to the other orphans.  He also told me that he wasn't sure if he was open to adoption, but if there was another way we could help her he would be open to that.

Playing at the orphanage

I found organizations that did Christmas hosting programs, and organizations that do sponsorship programs.  A sponsorship is where you can pay for higher education and classes that teach independence.  When I contacted these organizations I found that they did not work with the orphanage she was from.  It took months to find out we had 2 choices, we could adopt her or ignore her.  I knew very little about her, I found out her first name from my sister and I found out she was a teenager that was it.  I asked my sister to find out more information about her, full name, orphanage, age, if anyone was trying to adopt her, and anything else she could find out.  The more I learned about her, the more I felt I couldn't ignore her, I just couldn't live with myself if I just went back to my life like I had never met her.  I realized at one point that I really felt like she was MY child, and I wanted to bring her home.  I asked my husband to think about adoption.  He came back to me with a changed heart and said, "let's adopt her."

This is a huge leap of faith!  We have since embarked on the journey of foreign adoption, we have braved the intrusive home study, leaped through the hoops of paperwork and policies, and we are at the point where we wait for the Ukraine government to give us the okay.

We have found out more about her and who she is and the more we find out, the more I feel we are making the right choice.

When I was younger I had a dream of helping as many people as I could, maybe open a soup kitchen that served good quality food.  I volunteered at a soup kitchen when I was a teen and I had a hard time serving the food I did to the homeless people we were serving because it looked awful.  I have always had a hard time seeing people who have nothing and not doing anything for them.

Posing in clothes that were donated to the orphanage

As an adult I have come to realize that I can't help everyone.  There is no way that I can single handed feed, clothe, educate, and provide for every person who is not able to take care of themselves.  Now I realize, I don't have to.  Part of helping this world be a better place is to be self sufficient for myself, to teach my children to be self sufficient.  To teach my children to make the world a better place.  

I once heard that the orphans of the world are everyone's children.  That it is everyone's responsibility to do our part to help them.  I don't feel like I am adopting to do my part, I don't feel like every orphan is my responsibility.  I do feel like she is my daughter, that I am adopting her to make it official.  I feel like if any of my children were in an orphanage I would move heaven and earth to bring them home.  That is how I feel about her.

I know her life has not been easy, I know that she will have several challenges to face when she comes home.  I also know that we will face those challenges and hopefully our family will be able to find the resources to help her overcome them.

Talking to us on the phone

Arches National Park, Utah

I had never been to Moab, Utah, but I had heard so much about it!  I have wanted to visit for some time, but it seems life is always getting in the way.  This year life was definitely not going to make it easy.  Moab is located in Southern Utah and is usually hot, really hot in the summer time.  We were going to go in the spring, but then my son got a lead in a play in a community theatre, and we felt that was more important than our comfort.  So we decided to go to Moab the last week in July, THE LAST WEEK IN JULY!  Can there be a hotter time?  We felt it was important, and I sincerely prayed that we would not die from heatstroke or dehydration!

Things to know before you go...

1.  There is a campground right smack dab in the middle of the park, there is no other accommodations in the park.  This campground is called Devil's Garden http://www.nps.gov/arch/planyourvisit/camping.htm, and you CAN reserve a spot, it is usually filled up MONTHS in advance.  It is NOT first come first serve.  If you want to stay here, reserve on the first day you can, which I believe is 180 days in advance.  The greater the number at the campground the nicer the spot, is the general rule of thumb.  We were in spot 30, the bathrooms are right by spot 35/which was the campground host's spot.

2.  Bring water containers!  If you go camping, there is potable water, but not a faucet at every campsite, you have to get your water and carry it back to your site.  We used a 5 gallon drink cooler to keep water on hand for our family.  You also need water to bring with you hiking.  The best type of water containers are the ones that are hands free.  You should drink 1 GALLON of water a day, dehydration can happen fast.  For our little kids we got water bottles with carabiners, they were light weight bag type bottles, only about 16 oz each.  As adults we carried two 2quart water coolers with us to refill the smaller containers when they were empty.


3. Learn how to say hello with a smile or better yet in French, German, Spanish...just to be nice, since you will be one of the only Americans on the trails, it would be good to represent us well.  (Seriously the only people I saw by the Double Arch who spoke "English" were Australians!)  Funny story, my 4 year old son and I were sitting next to a man who looked at my son and said, "I'm Italian."  My son very seriously said, "I like pizza."  The man laughed, I thought it was so funny.

4.  If you do not stay in Devil's Garden there is BLM campgrounds around Moab, they are first come first serve.  http://www.blm.gov/ut/st/en/fo/moab/recreation/campgrounds/camping_near_parks.html

Hiking with kids

Delicate Arch

We decided to hike up to the Delicate Arch our first day, it was the longest most strenuous hike we were planning on going on, and I thought, might as well get it done first.  It was hard.  I hiked up and down with my baby on my back.  There were some cliff areas that my 4 year old did not seem to respect, and I really thought he was going to run over the edge.  There seemed to be a bit of confusion from other hikers, who tried to go a different way up to the arch, best advice, follow the rock piles that lead the way, if you follow the person in front of you, they may lead you astray!

This arch is on the way up to Delicate arch,
there is a cliff behind the camera!

My husband and oldest,
I didn't dare let any other child do this!

Our second day at Arches we did most of the easy trails. Which combined make for a pretty long day.  We only made the mistake of not taking enough water with us once!

Landscape Arch

Our first hike of our second day was Landscape arch which seemed like an easy trail, but on the trail there are 2 more "easy" trails that lead to Pine Tree Arch and Tunnel arch, which if combined with Landscape Arch turns into a moderate hike with kids.  Pine Tree arch was in the shade and lots of fun for kids!  Something also to note, the parking spots for Landscape Arch seem busiest between 11am and 1pm, try to go before 11am or after 3pm for best chance of getting a parking spot.

Tunnel arch

Pine tree arch, one of our favorites for kids!

Landscape Arch

The Windows

North Window

South Window

Turret Arch

Turret Arch

The windows also has turret arch close by.  These are all pretty easy hikes for the kids, if they are climbers it can be a little scary for parents, just make sure you keep a close eye on your kids!  Even if you hike to all 3 arches, it is not very long, so while I would still bring water, just one water bottle for each person should be sufficient.

Double Arch

This by far was my favorite arch.  Easy to hike to, really cool and impressive, and shaded!  What is not to like?  This is just around the bend from the Windows.  At first I thought we could just walk from the Windows to the Double Arch, but we decided to drive and sit in an air conditioned car for a little bit between arches.  Because it was HOT!  There was no place to fill up water bottles, so cooling off before this minor hike was not a bad idea.

Balancing Rock

Balancing Rock has a ledge that you can stand on and make it look like you are either holding the rock, or pushing it over.  

This is a fun hike and is a loop, I didn't realize this until hiking up to the rock and noticing that the path continued all the way around it.

Sand Dune Arch

This is a fun hike for the kids, it goes through some narrow paths and it is sand the entire hike.  

If you have kids like mine, this can make for some very dramatic children!

Broken Arch

Front of arch, if coming from Sand Dune Arch

Back of arch, heading to campground

When I first heard about Broken Arch, I really thought it was an Arch that was broken, but I guess pieces break off of it, it is not actually broken.  You can hike from the Sand Dune Arch, through the broken arch and then keep walking to the Devil's Garden Campground, which is what I did with my two oldest kids.  My husband took the 2 younger kids back to camp, they were exhausted after a long day of hiking!  

Tapestry Arch

On the way back to the campground you pass by the Tapestry Arch, we chose not to hike out to it, but we still got a good view of it from the path, and we saw lots of rabbits!  

Skyline Arch

This arch was right behind our camp site, and we decided to save it for our last hike.  It was a pretty short, nice hike.  

We had so much fun at Arches, it was the Grand Finale to our family vacation.  I noticed that there was a lot of people from other countries who had rented RVs or motorhomes.  From what I gathered a lot of people would fly into California and rent these and travel to different destinations.  I noticed that several places that rent motorhomes also rent bedding and kitchen supplies.  I never thought that renting a motorhome would be worth it, as an American travelling in America, but this seems a very smart way to travel for those coming from across an ocean with limited money and baggage space who want to see many destinations!  

Mesa Verde, Colorado

Cliff Palace

We just got back from an amazing trip to Mesa Verde National Park in Colorado.  I got a minor degree in Anthropology when I went to university, so visiting a place so rich in cultural, history, and ancient sites is a dream come true for me.  It did not disappoint!  Here are some tips before you go.

1.  When finding some place to stay check your options.  I like to go to tripadvisor.com and find out what places are rated.  You should decide if you want to camp in the park or stay in the park.  When travelling with a family I found trying to find a place that will accommodate a family difficult.  Unless you are in the park, be aware that getting to the park and through the park takes up to an hour and a half.  Even in the park it takes awhile to get from one area to another area, about 1/2 an hour to 45 minutes between the visitor's center and other main areas of the park.  There is rotating road construction as well as slow cars that travel at speeds of 25 miles an hour on a 45 mile per hour road.  Can be frustrating if you are in a hurry (of course I had all the time in the world).   You can camp in the park which will cost about $30 a night, and that is not including the entrance fee into the park.

We decided to stay at White Eagle Inn and Lodge, http://www.whiteeagleinncortez.com/ . It was only about 10 miles from the entrance of the park.  I found this place well priced, well maintained, they didn't hesitate when I said I had 4 kids, and you can't beat their customer service.  It is family owned and run and you can tell they care about it!  It is an older style motel that has a charm about it.  The pool is not filled, but they do have a miniature golf course that my kids loved.

2.  Tours:

Tower House

• There are tours that you should book months in advance that take you to areas of the park that most people do not get to see.  They rotate these areas to lessen the impact on the ruins, and these tours can only be reserved online at http://www.recreation.gov/tourList.do?contractCode=NRSO&parkId=72397  Some of these are appropriate for children, some are not. 

• The tours offered at the park on a regular basis are the Long House, Balcony House, and Cliff Palace.  The only place to buy tickets for these tours is at the Visitor's center, and you should get there as early as possible to buy your tickets.  We were there at 10:30am, and the line was out the door and down the sidewalk.  By the time we got to the counter the only tour we could get for the day was Long House, but we were able to buy tickets for the next day for Cliff Palace and Balcony House.  So if you want to get more accomplished on your first day I would recommend getting to the visitor's center when it opens!  

Ladders going into the Long House

• The tours offered through the visitor center are not for little kids who are carried, but you can put them in a backpack.  

At Balcony House they will need to get out of the backpack and crawl through a tunnel.  Just remember BACKPACK, they won't let you carry your children up and down ladders, your hands must be free to do so.












There are 2 main areas of the Park, Wetherill Mesa and the area out by the Chapin Archealogical Museum, the Visitor's Center is in the middle of these two areas.  I would choose to do one area one day and the other area the other day.

Wetherill Mesa

The Long House

• Make sure you buy your tickets for the Long House tour at the visitor's center, before heading out to Wetherill Mesa!  

• The tram ride takes you on a loop, you do not need a ticket for this.  You can get off and on at different viewpoints and see ancient Puebloan villages.

• The Step House, a self-guided tour through a cliff dwelling, there is a Ranger there if you have any questions.  The Step House closes at 4:30pm, so if you have a 3:00pm ticket for the Long House, go to the Step House first!  Or you will miss it!

Altogether it took us about 4 1/2 hours to complete Wetherill Mesa.  There is  flushing toilets, water, and a small Ranger station Kiosk area where you can ask questions.  I was told by a Native American that the water there is some of the best in the world.  It is purified naturally, after that I appreciated it even more!

Chapin Mesa Archeological Museum

Spruce Tree House

Near the Chapin Mesa Archeological Museum there are 2 loops, the Mesa Top Loop and the Cliff Palace Loop.  Right by the Museum is the path to go to the Spruce Tree House.  It is beautiful going down to the Spruce Tree House, lots of shade.  I guess this is called the Tree House because it was found by someone who was climbing down a tree, and you can tell how it was hidden in the trees for so long when you are there.  There is an intact Kiva in the Tree House that you can climb down into.  That was the only Kiva we were allowed into, so I would go.  It gives a different perspective of this room used for religious and educational purposes.  

Inside of a Kiva

Also near the museum is flushing toilets, a little cafe, and water to fill up water bottles.  I would recommend the cafe, especially the peanut butter brownies!

Mesa Top Loop

This loop is a car loop, you drive to various viewpoints, and in a rush you can stop and see things in about 1/2 an hour, but I would suggest to linger a bit longer at each viewpoint!   You can see the Tower House, pithouses and villages, sun palace, and there is a Sun point view that you can see several cliff dwellings in one spot.  

Cliff Palace Loop and Cliff Palace

Cliff Palace 

Cliff Palace is on this loop, you go here to go on your tour, again this ticket has to be bought at the visitor's center, buy it before you go.  The Cliff Palace is big, and when the Ranger asked our first impressions of the Cliff Palace people were saying things like, "Amazing, Respect for those who built it, Impressive..."  My personal thoughts were sadness and I chose not to volunteer my answer.  I was so sad that this amazing place was so pilfered through, that there were no laws to protect it after it was found, and that so much of what it could have been has been lost and sold to the highest bidder.  It is still an amazing place to visit, there is very good display of art, and so much is still intact.

  

We did see evidence of this palace falling into decay and I'm afraid that it will not look the same for my children's children.  This is a Kiva they are trying to brace, it is no longer round, it is D shaped and slowly falling into the canyon.

One of the original handholds used to climb up and
down the cliffs to enter Cliff Palace

The way we climb out of Cliff Palace

Balcony House

We were not going to go to the Balcony House as a group, my husband and I had decided to split up and go separately.  We had looked at the description and it said that each person had to be able to climb a ladder by themselves, as we have a 1 year old this seemed like it would not work.  At the visitor's center they talked us all into going, they saw we had a backpack for our baby and told us we could use this at the Balcony House.  They also did not charge us for the baby for any of our tours.  So we bought the tickets and chose to go altogether.

We went to Cliff Palace and directly to Balcony House after.  We arrived to hear the Ranger guide describing the Balcony House tour very scary like, "if anyone of you is being talked into this tour and your gut is telling you not to go, follow your gut."  I thought he was being a bit melodramatic, but then I realized, after the tour, he was spot on!  

Ladder going into Balcony House

To go into the Balcony House you have to climb a tall ladder, it is double wide and you can go up 2 at a time.  This ladder was put in by the park for a convenience to people going on the tour.  I didn't look down and I was okay, baby on my back and all.  

Inside Balcony House

climbing through Balcony House

We went into Balcony House, and the coolest part of this tour is that you are going through THEIR doors, you are going through this house, not just on the outskirts, THROUGH it!  It is amazing.  You go up a rock wall, and get to see a bit more into their lives.

Did I mention at the beginning that I'm afraid of heights AND a bit claustrophobic???  The part I was dreading the most was the tunnel.  They had a wooden tunnel at the visitor's center that you can try out and see if you fit, I didn't even try it, I was scared I would freak out.  BUT, I really wanted to go on this tour and thought I could do it.  Thankfully this was not as bad as I feared, it opened up in the middle of the tunnel, so much so that my kids stood up and walked to the end of the tunnel.  So this was not so bad.  

And then, after making it through the tunnel, I looked up, all I saw was ladder, cliff, ladder, people climbing on top of the cliff.  My heart froze.  My legs started shaking and I thought I was going to cry.  We had to take my baby off so he could crawl through the tunnel, he would not have fit on my back.  

So I started putting the backpack on my back, we put the baby in, and I started climbing.  I knew I had to get to the top, so I just put one foot over the other and tried to not look down.  I made it up the first ladder and was on the "steps" on the cliff when I looked back to see if my husband was behind me.  That was a huge mistake!  At this point if I had not had a baby on my back, I think I would have started screaming, until someone came and rescued me.  But I did have a baby on my back, and I turned back around, shaking and kept climbing.  I made it to the top and had to sit down, because I really thought I was going to pass out.  It is the scariest thing I can remember myself doing.  I know there are people who are not afraid of heights, and that is amazing, but I am, and after this experience I found myself waking up at night in a panic because I was dreaming of being back on that cliff.  In all reality, that was the only way in and out of Balcony House for the people who built it, and those with children and babies had to do just as I did, so I guess I got a unique experience.  There is also a chain fence around the cliff while you are climbing that assists you.  All in all, I do NOT regret going, it was my favorite tour, I would highly recommend it, and although it gave me nightmares, I think I would do it again.  

No one knows why the Puebloan people built these cliff dwellings, there are various theories.  One we heard over and over again was that times were tough when they built these.  Twenty miles away were examples of war.  There is evidence of severe drought and other hardships.  The balcony house is built for defense.  One theory is that the cliff dwellings were built for the politically elite.  After seeing what I saw and experiencing these dwellings, I disagree with the theories that these were built for the elite.  There were very nice dwellings on top of the cliffs, no scary hand holds or steps leading to death if you slipped.  My personal theory is that these were built in case something happened.  Sort of like a fallout shelter, a place they could survive with natural springs, and food storage, where they could last for some time.  I just cannot imagine the elite of their society choosing to climb in and out of these dwellings everyday!  

Altogether the area near the Museum, The Spruce Tree House, the Cliff Palace Loop and the Mesa Top Loop took us about 6 hours to go everywhere, but admittedly we rushed some areas.  I would say that you need at least 2 days to see Mesa Verde National Park!  

One thing I noticed on this trip was that we were often the only Americans looking at the sites, other than the Rangers.  I would like to encourage all Americans to go here and see this before it decays further!  I was in places where no one was speaking English and I have to wonder if we truly appreciate these sites!